Brain

'In a word or two

it's you I want to do.

No - not your body -

your mind, you fool!'

Thus spake the artist formerly and latterly known as 'The Prince' in his paean to maternal incest, Sexy Motherfucker. And that's what today's blog is all about.

No - not pooning your mum - your mind, you fool!

The mind is one of the world's last great mysteries. If you think I'm yanking your chain, consider that we've landed more men on the surface of the Moon than we have on the human brain. It's because of this mystery that the mind is uber-zeitguyst.

Before the advent of conveyor-belt sushi, having a malfunctioning mind was very very zeitguyst. 'Mad' people saw God winking at them from marrows, ate their own poo and wrote lots of poetry, which was kind of like retro text messages sent only to the rich. Nowadays, when a person wants you to remember something they might start their sentence 'bear in mind'. But if you said that to an olden times mad person, they'd literally smash their skull open with a milking stool in attempt to kill the bear trapped inside their brain.

Then, just as war was becoming zeitguyst, a Vietnamese guy called Floyd appeared. Floyd dropped a zeitguyst flip-reverse dingaling, and said that now, not being mad was the most zeitguyst! Talk about changing the rules! It was like he'd approached the chessboard, knocked over all the pieces then turned the board upside down and on the back was written: 'You suck!' and when his opponent looked up from reading it Floyd was there boning the guy's wife to 'Hot in the City' by Billy Idol.

Floyd said everyone was hornier than a child molester with fifty dicks. He bought a couch so girls could come to his flat and talk dirty. If you were a guy, it turned out that to not be mad you had to have sex with your mother and smoke a cigar. If you didn't do it then you got the Octopus Complex and went blind. Because all the guys were screwing their own mums Floyd got laid like a rockstar. His couch saw so much action that they put it in a museum.

Today, even though Johnny-come-latelies like The Prince sing about it, boning your mum is not zeitguyst. If you want to honk on the crack pipe of tomorrow then instead of being mad, you need to be depressed.

Depression is laziness rebranded. You get to lie in bed all day. If you're a guy you might have to grow a neck beard, but that's it. Thom Yorke of zeitguyst megagroup 'The Radioheads' gets paid to cry - it’s said a 20ml phial of his tears can cure Legionnaire's Disease. There's even a whole new genre of music called Elmo, which is about crying all the time for no reason.

The only type of madness that's still zeitguyst is called 'Gay'. 'Gay' used to mean 'being very happy all the time'. Over the years, the definition has changed slightly, and now it means 'having sex with everything in the whole world, including things like telephones and biscuits'. The first person to catch 'Gay' was a piano player called Elton John, who realised that the best way to be very happy all the time was to have sex with everything in the whole world, including things like telephones and biscuits. The first 'Gay' sex was between Elton John and his grand piano, an experience which he commemorated in the song 'The Circle of Life'. The Queen loved the song so much that she knighted him and then had her daughter-in-law killed so he would have to write another one.

Of course, if you want to be way-out-there ultra zeitguyst, you need to have 'Gay' and be depressed at the same time. After years of research, scientists managed to combine the two in the DNA of a chimpanzee called Morrissey. When the monkey escaped during the lab's Christmas party it went straight to bed, crying, and had sex with its pillow, thus assuring its unassailable zeitguystitude for next two decades.

ZG