Greetings

Hey. Or do I mean hi? Or hello? Or howdy? We’ve all been there – you
meet someone, you walk up to them, look them in the eye and suddenly,
you have to make a decision. It’s just one word, but it could be the
most important word of the whole conversation. First impressions count;
sometimes, they count to a million. That’s just how important the
greeting can be, so you need to get it right. There’s literally a
thousand ways to say it, so how do you know which one to go with? Yeah,
I know. It’s a universal dilemma. A real brain-fucker. But don’t worry –
I can help you.

A good rule of thumb is to keep it short. The whole reason that hi was
the new hello in the 90s was that it cut the syllable count in half. If
you really have time in your life that you’re prepared to waste on a
redundant syllable, you shouldn’t advertise the fact. Keep it fast and
keep it lazy. That’s efficiency talking. Hi is a classic. Hey is even
better. If you can manage it, try not to pronounce too much of the word,
either. Your hey should be more of a h– if you’re really serious about
it. Nothing says ‘pleased to make your acquaintance’ like a breathy grunt.

Okay, that’s good for most situations, but sometimes, you’re going to
want to put together a custom greeting. Maybe it’s an old friend you
haven’t seen in time, or an ex-partner you want to impress, but everyone
has moments when they want to make an impact with their greeting, so
think bespoke. A good custom greeting is like a good mixtape – solid,
back-to-back quality combined with just enough quirky obscurity to make
it clear who’s in control. Bottom line: I can’t tell you how to put
together your custom greeting. Only you can do that. If you really want
to know, though, I tend to go for a combo of urban slang, Dixon of Dock
Green and Jimmy Saville. Usually something like: ‘Now then now then,
shizzle my nizzle, what’s all this then, blood?’

Now. In the words of one of the greatest thinkers of our time: let’s get
physical. There’s more to a greeting than just what comes out of your
mouth. Whenever you talk to someone, your body is telling them something
about you, so don’t let that something be ‘I’m an asshole’. I don’t want
to lay too much science on you, but studies have shown that literally
400% of human communication takes place with the eyes. In layman’s
terms: if you want to make an impact, don’t talk to the person, talk to
their eyes. If you’re going with the standard h– greeting, you always
want to throw in an upwards jut of the chin. If you don’t know what I
mean, think backwards nod. It says familiarity, friendliness and vague
contempt, all in one spasmodic package. If you’re going with a custom
greeting, though, the chin jut won’t be enough. Instead, you need to
think about getting together a custom handshake to go with it. Time out
while you digest that. New para.

The watchword for the custom handshake is spontaneity. Don’t plan ahead.
What are you; a shake geek? Just get into it – feel the flow of the
handshake. If the time is right for a darkside flip, the time is right
for a darkside flip. If you need a half-fingerpop, throw in a
half-fingerpop. Hell, throw in two if you’re in the groove. Try and
steer clear of moves like the mirrored snap – what is it, 1994? – but
generally speaking, just freestyle it. The key is to be in control. If
you end up being the receiver instead of the dictator, you won’t know
where you are. There’s nothing worse than misreading the situation,
reaching out and shaking a fist. Nothing says amateur like pumping
someone’s clenched hand up and down and grinning desperately like a
maths teacher at an MC battle.

One last thing: the friendly punch. This is pretty much a staple of
man-on-man greetings. A jokey swipe across the chin is a classic, but go
for the shoulder if you can. If not, a slap on the back will do. Too
many slaps on backs, though, and you start coming off as the jovial
middle-manager, so reign it in. A friendly punch says, ‘I respect you,
but if it comes down to it, I have the power to take you apart and feed
you to the birds.’ We’re talking pure AMOG here, people. For you
glossary nerds, that’s Alpha Male Of Group – note this down in your
slangtionary. So, whether it’s the backslap or the friendly punch or
even the playful shoulder push, physical greetings give you the chance
to bond in a way that words alone can’t manage. One word of advice,
though – keep the friendly punch for man-on-man. Feminism’s made great
strides for equality over the last forty years, but there still aren’t
many women who like to say hello by being hit square in the face.

ZG