Muslimanity

There are five eternal “uber-zeits” or perpetual motion zeitguysts. These are zeitguysts that are always, in some way, shape, contour, form, figure or outline, zeitguyst. The five uber-zeits are: The Guardian, Channel 4, Drugs, not giving a fuck, and Religion. WOW! Just typing those five things made a shot of undiluted nowness shoot through my veins. Fuck! I love stuff that’s cool.

Now, the first four zeiguysts are like totally obvious. When God invented the planet in 1982, one of the first things he made (after all the dull shit like water, fire and earth) was Channel 4, so richer people could discuss the lives of poorer people in an informed and patronising way. The Guardian is simply Channel 4 on the page; it’s for people who are so middle class they don’t even OWN a TV. Drugs are zeitguyst because they make you look cool. And not giving a fuck … whatever.

So Religion, eh? That’s not very zeitguyst I hear you chant to the tune of a Lily Allen album track. All those pews. Fuck off! Ahh, but you’re simply looking at the wrong kind of religion. Kristianity is totally not zeitguyst, and hasn’t been properly since the 60s (apart from for about 2 minutes in the 90s when Woopsy Goldberg acted like a sister) when EVERYONE dressed like Jesus and sung songs like “Koom Hey Ya My Lord.”

After Kristianity everyone got into Hindis in the 90s when Streetfighter 2 came out and everyone totally dug Dhalsim. Then Crispy Mill from The Kula Shakers sung some amazing songs about curry and everyone was like “woaaaahh, Hindis rock – that elephant is dope!” Then Crispy Mill dressed like Hitler or something and Hindi was out.

Next came Buddvarism at the end of 90s. Buddvarism was about shopping at Ikea, chilling out and drinking good quality lager-beer. It went well with Coldplay and the natural lifestyle promoted by their singer Tony Martin. But then Tony Martin shot some fans who were trying to break into mansion and get an autograph and everyone was like, “Fuck! This Buddvar jihad is freaking me out, why bother when reality TV has just been properly invented.”

But right on the heels of Buddvarism came Muslimanity, or Aslan, so called because it was strong like a Lion. Aslan was invented on September 11 2001 by an uptight guy called Oliver Bin Laden. Oliver’s followers flew two planes into the World Centre in New York and all the networks bought the coverage. At first everyone didn’t know what to make of it, a bit like Lost, and they were pissed off and angry and stuff, then it came out on DVD box set starring Nicolas Cage and everyone was like, “Fuck, that was like the best TV ever!”

The other great thing about nine elevens, or 99, as it became known was that it gave the Kristians the perfect chance to fight the Muslims to regain the zeitguyst. Leader of the Kristians George Double Your Bush said, “We’re going to get those folk what done this,” and Kristians everywhere were like, “Fuck, that was inspiring! Lock n load!”

So now we’re in the middle of wholly war, so called because it’s wholly pointless. But it’s the pointlessness that makes it so amazingly zeitguyst. And if you’re thinking, “But hey, the war keeps changing!” – that’s just its zeitguyst management, it’s the same war. Have you ever been to “Afghanistan” or “Iraq?” have you ever been in a TV studio? How can you be so sure?

It’s a vicious fight. Recently a Blackburn based agricultural firm called Jack’s Straw declared that all Muslim employees couldn’t wear their ninja outfits to work any more. This caused outrage amongst the Muslimanity community, but then other places like schools and aeroplanes followed suit. Now Muslims are saying, justifiably I think, that Kristians shouldn’t be allowed to where their own religious accessories – like crosses, dog collars and cruel, bigoted eyes.

Currently Aslan is winning the war because it’s getting way more press. And this week it just dealt another blow to the Kristians as former blue eye boy Katz Stevens has just released his first album as Yusuf Aslan – his Muslim name. Katz was quoted as saying, “It’s now time to make a change. I’m tired of being a Katz, I want to be Lion!”

But don’t expect this one to end any time soon. There are people from Aslan and Kristianity that believe a full scale fuck off war with guns and total cultural ignorance is the only thing that will bring about the end of the world and the rising of fictional characters from their respective novels that will like save them of something. In the meantime I suggest ignoring this particular zeitguyst and immersing yourself in more fickle passing fads such as the Nintendo’s Wee, complaining about Madonna with child, and curing AIDs.