Today Is Tomorrow's Yesterday - Today!

It works like this: If life hands you a lemon, start making lemonade. If the cracks begin to show in your marriage, start smoking crack.

Alchemy was invented in the time of the Ancient Sumarians as a simple way of turning useless objects like poo and lizards into precious gold. The Conquistadors brought this technology back across the Sargasso Sea to Finland, where their finest scholars developed it into the modern science of PR, or 'Perception ReImaginement'. Modern PR doesn't turn actual poo into actual gold - rather, it uses millennia-old wisdom mated with splitting-edge future tech to turn the metaphysical poo of people's wrongful ideas into fat ingots of billion-carat head-bullion. Think about it - thanks to PR, each and everyone of us is quite actually in possession of a skull-sized 'gold mind'!

Since the science of PR is available to all, any group or individual not exploiting its magical transmogrifying strategies is bound to feel the full force of karmic comeuppance just as sure as if they'd put on a really long tie and dangled the fat end in a paper shredder. Just take a look at the papers. No, really look. Harder. No, harder. Well? See there, between the lines? What do you see?

That's right - culture war. On one side, it's the Muslims. Muslimism was a club opened in the sixties for newcomers to Great Britain at a time when the country was overrun by swinging acid beetles. The club was so zeitguyst it hurt. To get in, chicks had to dress up as ghosts... but not just any ghosts! They dressed up as black ghosts - after all, black's invisible at night, and what's spookier than a ghost you can't see?

But you know what happened? As the years went by, these chicks got too spooky, and soon they couldn't go anywhere without giving ordinary folks the heebie-jeebies! Now ghostbusting is zeitguyst - all a politician has to do is say 'busting makes me feel good' or mention the time a Muslimist crashed into the World Trade Centre dressed as a marshmallow giant and on election day their ballot papers have got more ticks than a coked-up autistic kid who's swallowed a pocketwatch.

The answer? You’re damn straight it's PR. Ever since Pac-Man, ghosts have been the traditional bearers of bad tidings. Ghosts moan. They’re transparent and they move through walls. Hands up who wants to be a ghost.

Are your hands in the air? Exact-a-freaking-mundo.

PR takes the bland grain of the Muslimists' full-body black attire and enigmatic questing eyes, force-feeds it into the duck of tomorrow's open beak, and - Mustafa be praised! - creates a sumptuous rebranded zeitguyst foie gras. Muslimism isn't a club full of black ghosts - it’s a club full of ninjas! Lithe, mysterious ninjas all pulling flips off pagoda roofs and throwing little metal stars. Ninjas are sexy, popular with children, and they have a proud cultural history that stretches back all the way to 1987, and the release of Sega's popular sideways scrolling arcade game Shinobi.

Perception ReImaginement. It's so now, it's already over and coming back.