Misogyny?

Misogyny?

 

OK, so it’s another unpopular one, but here the Zeitguy out.

 

A few days ago I was all like “what misogyny? Nah, get out of town that’s not zeiguyst and if it is you can dress me in a pair of bell bottoms and call me wizard.”

 

Well I wish it could be Christmas everyday, because this zeiguyst is a gift. It all kicked off when maverick film director (Weddings and Funerals, The Hairy Potter) and Luton Town FC manager Mike Newell had this to say after his rubbish football team lost some goals of football.

 

"She [assistant referee Amy Rayner] should not be here. I know that sounds sexist, but I am sexist, so I am not going to be anything other than that.

 

"We have a problem in this country with political correctness, and bringing women into the game is not the way to improve refereeing and officialdom. It is beyond belief. When do we reach a stage when all officials are women, because then we are in trouble. It is bad enough with the incapable referees and linesmen we have, but if you start bringing in women, you have big problems. This is Championship football. It is not park football, so what are women doing here?"

 

“Holy Shit that man’s a cunt!” I thought to myself. “I wish I could make him eat MY goal.” My goal to achieve equality among the sexes, that is. I was all ready to post on how misogyny is totally not ZG and how equality is. I had most of the most written I had just left gaps to put in quotes to how people had reacted badly. But none came. Well apart from Zoe Williams and the problem with Zoe Williams is that if she writes an article saying how angry she is about something you can’t help but feel it was worth it in some way.) So, I was left think that maybe more than one person felt that way about women. Could misogyny be zeiguyst? I fear it might be.

 

Let’s look at the pros and cons of women.

 

Pros*

 

They look good. Even the ones that don’t are still better looking than men

They’re better at a lot of stuff than men

They commit fewer crimes than men

They don’t poo.

 

Cons

 

They like Sex & The City

They threaten us

They can sometimes smell ‘down there,’ but then hey, so can we fellas

 

 

Interesting discovery. And did you spot the con that wasn’t a con. No, not the smell thing, that’s your own perversion. It was the fact that they threaten us. That’s not a con you fool, that’s your own insecurity. Yep, that’s right. Newell doesn’t hate women, he’s fucking petrified of them. Their common sense, good looks, ability to bare children (and also arms), the fact that they might laugh at his willy.

 

Now, I’m not a stickler for protocol, but I HAVE DISTINCTLY POINT OUT TIME AFTER TIME that zeitguyst means stuff that is really hot right now at this moment in time. Misogyny is actually an age old tradition invented when men made women change their name in marriage. “Oh but someone’s gotta Shal! Why not yaow?”) and leading right but to Mike Newell’s outburst. It’s not zeitguyst because zeitguyst is based on what people think, not what men think.

 

Sorry guys, you’re just gonna have to find a minority group you can all agree to hate. Maybe footballers?

 

 

 

 

*(he he, I don’t mean prostitutes, but if you thought I did you’re probably misogynist and should go and see a doctor, ideally an woman, doctor – conquer your fears)  

Compassionate Conservatism

Like those recalcitrant pebbles of dried poo that cling to your bum hair, money has forever been in close, sometimes awkward relationship to that which is zeitguyst. (in this particular metaphor I’m using the human anus to represent the dark, mysterious, ever-shifting void of zeitguystitude)

Originally, money was made from a composite of trees and peasant babies. Money was a bit like Pogs or Pokemon - whoever collected the most was the most zeitguyst, and everybody else had to do what they said. Getting people to do what you said because you’re rich was called 'exploitation', and anybody who was anybody was doing it. When rich people came to America, they thought they could do better, so they started a super-zeitguyst spin-off movement called 'blaxploitation', where they hired lots of really cool rappers, jazz singers, basketball players and great dancers to work for them as slaves. For a while, in America it was zeitguyst to exploit and zeitguyst to be exploited - so everyone was happy, right?

Well, yes - until in the sixties the Demokatz kicked off something called Cyril's Rights Movement. The Demokatz said that rappers, jazz singers, basketball players and dancers would be better off rapping, jazz singing, basketball playing and dancing than cleaning Publicans' floors, and everybody was like 'hell yeah!' and suddenly Cyril's Rights became so zeitguyst it felt like there was an orgasm in your mouth and everybody was invited.

So what were all those once-zeitguyst rich dudes supposed to do? The answer came in the form of near-sighted Scottish billionaire Scrooge McDuck, who, after years of seclusion following a botched surgical procedure that left him looking like a duck, (a particularly ironic mishap given his surname) emerged to tell the world that, although he would continue to swim in a big vat of currency, he planned to wind in the whole exploitation side of his business and concentrate on solving mysteries and/or rewriting history. (his Nazi apologia Holocaust Schmolocaust received mixed reviews)

The world's reaction to Scrooge McDuck was 'huge mcfuck!' Soon to follow in his rehabilitated footsteps were similarly disfigured tycoon Cyril Sneer (whose counter-campaign 'Cyril's Right' had tanked spectacularly) and grotesque Italian-American treasure-hunter Wario.

Having blown the mid-terms, the Publicans are now realising that they need to get with the programme and turn into more compassionate conservatives. To show how moderate – and therefore zeitguyst – they are, every rich Publican has pledged to have an abortion then sell the foetus on ebay and give the money to followers of Aslan.

ZG

Demokatz

"It's coming home, It's coming home, It's coming... (my) Football's coming home." sung The Light Seeds in 1996 (and again in 1998) to celebrate the return of the lost football belonging to moribund comedians Franks Skinner and David Bad-Eel. By chance the release of the song coincided with the Euro 96, being held in that year in the glorified county of England, and football fans everywhere adopted it as the perfect thing to sing at foreigners when they felt threatened. In the end The England lost games of football to Germany in the semi-finals and the whole country did a moan, but secretly people were quite happy because everyone had shared a super-zeitguyst for a while, and zeitguysts are the one thing that bring people true happiness.

You could say the same thing to George 'Double Yer' Bush (george double yer bush / george double yer honey / george double yer executions / george double yer money Bernard Towers 2000) at the moment, that the results of the Yank midterms don't matter because for a few days everyone was thinking about the same thing and it was a cool zeitguyst. But I don't think that'll be too much of a consolation because George Bush's Publican party took a hammering in the polls. They lost seats at all levels: The House of Reprimandatives, the Sedate, and State Terminators too. He's now a what people are calling 'a dead duck' president, not being able to pass any laws without running them by the Demokatz first, and they hate all his ideas and will just say no out of spite. At least Steve Bell isn't still drawing him like a monkey in The Guardian - then he'd really be fucked. So last night it was time for drastic measures - Bush said Donald Bumsfeld couldn't be his best friend any more, hoping that maybe everyone would also pick on Bumsfeld and then Bush could slip away unnoticed from the pile of dead Iraqi and Americans at their feet. Of course people don't tend to forget genocide, and even if they do his God will burn him in Hell, so it was a diversionary tactic at best. With Bumsfeld gone Bush people will atleast be off his back for a while - it was his way of saying to the mothers of dead 17 year old soldiers everywhere - you lost your son, so to make up for it I won't hang out with this despotic war mongerer. We all make sacrifices, I guess.

So, enough about Bush, he's so NOT zeitguyst right now, as the brave, intelligent people of the Americas have told us. It's all about Demokatz. The Publicans are yesterday's (that word makes me sick) news. The demokatz are led by a lady called Hilary Hilton, who is the sister of pop demi-god Paris Hilton, and heir to the Hilton Hotel Chain. Hilary is also married to former president Bill Hilton (well, they are from the South). Hilary is hotly tipped to go for a run in 2008 and people are hoping she won't stop until she reaches the Oval Office - quite what the British Cricket Association will have to say about that I don't know but time will tell. If Hilary becomes president she will be the first woman to be president, which would be MEGA and totally zeitguyst, but then there are all sorts of other types of human lining up to become the first type of president: there's a black man, an hispanic, even a couple of people claiming to be 'honest.'

The Demokatz now feel with all this zeitguyst from the midterms they can ride a wave of public support into the presidential campaign, which according to them starts now. Across the world people are hoping that too, in fact there's only about three people still want the Publicans in power - Dick Trainee, Tony Blair and Christian Right. Even Bush looks like he couldn't give a fuck now. But whether they can or not is another matter. You see the Demokatz are a bit cruddy too. When Hilton was president he did nothing all day but get involved in minor fracas and fuck bitches - like a gansta raper. So people might start saying things like 'look america's just a bit shit - why don't we just board it up like at the end of the mega zeituyst film ' right at your door' (oh -woah, the twist you NEVER see coming - that's £8.50 and two hours I'll never see again).

the world waits with baited breath etc etc

ZG

Tom Cruds

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but science is totally right 100%
of the time, and this week it was announced that actor, scientist and
former Hollywood golden boy Tom Cruds is to be made the big cheese
down at United Artists. Cruds and his producing partner Paul Wagner
have been given free reign by studio bosses Sony to produce four
films a year, most of which will have Cruds in the lead role playing
short fictional characters that look like Cruds himself. This is
making Cruds totally zeitguyst again and for all the right reasons.

Now if you're sitting there in your Ikea Jules swivel chair going all
like "but Tom Cruds has always been zeitguyst, isn't he like drugs in
that respect," haul your stupid head (that's probably got hair in
curtains on top of it) out of your past it arse and tune into ZEIT FM
on DAB radio Tom Cruds totally stopped being zeitguyst in August when
he got dropped by his last studio for being a scientist.

Sounds unfair doesn't it? After all science has helped make great
things like iPods and Ferraris, and to stop all sorts of shit stuff
like The Black Death & famine. But in recent years people have become
wary of it because it still hasn't cured, AIDS, some cancers and
terror. Also, clearly stupid people like Keiths Richard and Pat
Doherty have 'defied' science by not dying from their drug trials.
But science is still pretty alright by people generally, it's just
Tom Cruds just started going on and on about it. Science this, and
science that. Then, he captured a girl called Katie from outside her
home and started doing scientific experiments on her. When he had
tried this before with girls called Nicole and Penelope people didn’t
mind so much because they were foreign, but now he was trying it with
an American it was not on. People were not impressed, they liked
Katie, a lot. They even gave her a man's nickname - Joey - to show
their affection.

After a while Katie started saying weird things like "Tom Cruds is an
amazing man." Now people had liked Tom Cruds because he was an
amazing actor (though he's never proved himself as a scientist yet)
but no one thought he was an amazing man, he was not like Jamie Foxx
or Warren Beatty in that respect, so people immediately knew
something was suspect. Everyone quickly realised that he had been
using his scientific voodoo on her. Then she got pregnant, and people
woke up to the fact that Tom Cruds was using Katie/Joey to breed a
new race of short, mutant scientist babies that would take over the
world. Cruds was dropped by his studio and people forgot all about him.

Until now. As the vanilla sky set last Wednesday Cruds issued a firm
statement “I’m back!” Cruds is on a mission to achieve the impossible
and make people like him again, but he’s not going to compromise, the
signal this week is that it’s either him, science and his breed of
mutant science babies or nothing. It was Cruds way or the highway.
What a maverick!

Divorce

Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
Ask the local gentry -
They will say it’s elementary.

When Frank Sumatra sang these words in 1955, they were so zeitguyst that his audience's faces literally peeled away from their skulls and splatted on the floor like flubbed pancakes. Nowadays, it’s a whole different kettle of ballgame. All the horses have moved from carriage-pulling to porno and the local gentry are too busy dominating the buy-to-let market and having sex with close relatives to offer an opinion on the matter.

Let's face it - marriage is dead as saying 'izzle' after everything, and the Zizzle Gizzle ain’t fizzling jizzling, you dizzle?

Paul McCarthy used to be the lead singer of 'Beetles', a band who bum-raped the sixties with a giant dildo made from Now and bits of scouser. He married a woman called Linda who loved the world so much that she refused to eat anything. Soon she died, and so Paul had to find someone else who would sit on his willy while he sang songs about his sheepdog and ceiling repairs.

One day, Paul met a woman called Feather Mills. Feather Mills was famous because she only had one leg, whereas normal people have two legs. They met while she was painted pink and working as a flamingo croquet mallet. Halfway through his round, Paul McCarthy realised he was playing with a live woman and it was love at first sex.

However, only a few months into the marriage, things turned sour when Paul realised she was broken. Real woman have two legs but Feather Mills only had one. Criticising disabilities is no longer very zeitguyst but luckily for Paul, everybody voted and said having one leg isn’t so much a handicap as a comic misfortune.

As you can imagine, Feather Mills was hopping mad. She said Paul McCarthy was out on a limb and he didn’t have a leg to stand on. Paul McCarthy retreated into a weekend-long conference with his lawyers, where they tried to come up with a brilliant pun about Feather Mills' absurd deformity in the hope of winning the impending divorce proceedings.

This week, the papers ran the headline: MCCARTHY: FEATHER IS A BITCH WITH ONE LEG


ZG

Sadness

In 2004 miserable gay chimp Morrissey sung “how can anyone possibly know how I feel.” He expected people to react by being all like “I just don’t get this music at all, but I’ll say I like because everyone else seems to,” which is how people had always reacted to his music, thus elevating him to the status of some wanky indie God. But this is time everyone else in the world turned around as one and said “yeah, we know how you feel Morrissey. We’re all sad.”

 

Sadness is totally zeitguyst these days. Boo hoo. Oh these days! Just look at the last few zeitguysts. Racism? Brevity? The Moss? These are sad times indeed. People are sad the world over, from Croyden to Calcutta folk are wiping dewy tears from their sad, weak eyes and saying “it’s like the world is an episode of Tarrant on TV and we had all this funny stuff and now he’s just gone ‘now before the break a serious message about AIDS.’”

 

Sadness has been around since the dawn of time, but it only started getting popular in the last forty of so years since the early work of The Beach Boys made happiness seem so tacky and shit that people desperately wanted to try something new. Before that we didn’t have sadness so much as we had seriousness. People just got on with it. Then this woman called Sylvia Platt came along and was like “fancying your dad like six million Jews being killed, and that’s sad.” Suddenly everyone could recall the horrors of the holocaust at the click of a finger. It was like: “my husband left me … like a train leaving for Auschwitz” or “I missed the bus… which I presume is like missing a family that’s been gassed.”

 

So the world got a whole lot sadder. Morrissey and other sad people started singing sad songs about not being able to go out because they didn’t have any clothes. Then, this century, a girl called Elizabeth Worzel made a book called Prozac is a Nation, which got made into a film staring Wednesday Adams. Prozac is a Nation was a science fiction that imagined a diss-topian future where a nation was founded for all the sad people to live in.

 

Sadness was already pretty zeitguyst but then a whole new music called Elmo was invented that was about crying all the time for no reason. It was called Elmo because the “Elmo kids” felt they were being followed by a furry red monster all the time and this was one of the reasons they were sad. Elmo music was the straw that broke the camel’s back and made it cry like a simpering little girl.

 

The world is sad right now: OFFICIAL. I’m sad right now. Your sad right now. If your not sad because you’re all like “I got bath salts and a desk that’s been painted red to make it look modern!” Remember, these are not happy things, they are products of capitalism which is one of the main reasons why we should be sad. Everything you own was created to the determent of a poor person. You are sitting on slavery, you eat murder, when you see Madonna saving black children the TV you watch it on was made by a child who will never be saved. Cry bitch! It’s getting worse.

 

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