Compassionate Conservatism

Like those recalcitrant pebbles of dried poo that cling to your bum hair, money has forever been in close, sometimes awkward relationship to that which is zeitguyst. (in this particular metaphor I’m using the human anus to represent the dark, mysterious, ever-shifting void of zeitguystitude)

Originally, money was made from a composite of trees and peasant babies. Money was a bit like Pogs or Pokemon - whoever collected the most was the most zeitguyst, and everybody else had to do what they said. Getting people to do what you said because you’re rich was called 'exploitation', and anybody who was anybody was doing it. When rich people came to America, they thought they could do better, so they started a super-zeitguyst spin-off movement called 'blaxploitation', where they hired lots of really cool rappers, jazz singers, basketball players and great dancers to work for them as slaves. For a while, in America it was zeitguyst to exploit and zeitguyst to be exploited - so everyone was happy, right?

Well, yes - until in the sixties the Demokatz kicked off something called Cyril's Rights Movement. The Demokatz said that rappers, jazz singers, basketball players and dancers would be better off rapping, jazz singing, basketball playing and dancing than cleaning Publicans' floors, and everybody was like 'hell yeah!' and suddenly Cyril's Rights became so zeitguyst it felt like there was an orgasm in your mouth and everybody was invited.

So what were all those once-zeitguyst rich dudes supposed to do? The answer came in the form of near-sighted Scottish billionaire Scrooge McDuck, who, after years of seclusion following a botched surgical procedure that left him looking like a duck, (a particularly ironic mishap given his surname) emerged to tell the world that, although he would continue to swim in a big vat of currency, he planned to wind in the whole exploitation side of his business and concentrate on solving mysteries and/or rewriting history. (his Nazi apologia Holocaust Schmolocaust received mixed reviews)

The world's reaction to Scrooge McDuck was 'huge mcfuck!' Soon to follow in his rehabilitated footsteps were similarly disfigured tycoon Cyril Sneer (whose counter-campaign 'Cyril's Right' had tanked spectacularly) and grotesque Italian-American treasure-hunter Wario.

Having blown the mid-terms, the Publicans are now realising that they need to get with the programme and turn into more compassionate conservatives. To show how moderate – and therefore zeitguyst – they are, every rich Publican has pledged to have an abortion then sell the foetus on ebay and give the money to followers of Aslan.

ZG