Divorce

Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
Ask the local gentry -
They will say it’s elementary.

When Frank Sumatra sang these words in 1955, they were so zeitguyst that his audience's faces literally peeled away from their skulls and splatted on the floor like flubbed pancakes. Nowadays, it’s a whole different kettle of ballgame. All the horses have moved from carriage-pulling to porno and the local gentry are too busy dominating the buy-to-let market and having sex with close relatives to offer an opinion on the matter.

Let's face it - marriage is dead as saying 'izzle' after everything, and the Zizzle Gizzle ain’t fizzling jizzling, you dizzle?

Paul McCarthy used to be the lead singer of 'Beetles', a band who bum-raped the sixties with a giant dildo made from Now and bits of scouser. He married a woman called Linda who loved the world so much that she refused to eat anything. Soon she died, and so Paul had to find someone else who would sit on his willy while he sang songs about his sheepdog and ceiling repairs.

One day, Paul met a woman called Feather Mills. Feather Mills was famous because she only had one leg, whereas normal people have two legs. They met while she was painted pink and working as a flamingo croquet mallet. Halfway through his round, Paul McCarthy realised he was playing with a live woman and it was love at first sex.

However, only a few months into the marriage, things turned sour when Paul realised she was broken. Real woman have two legs but Feather Mills only had one. Criticising disabilities is no longer very zeitguyst but luckily for Paul, everybody voted and said having one leg isn’t so much a handicap as a comic misfortune.

As you can imagine, Feather Mills was hopping mad. She said Paul McCarthy was out on a limb and he didn’t have a leg to stand on. Paul McCarthy retreated into a weekend-long conference with his lawyers, where they tried to come up with a brilliant pun about Feather Mills' absurd deformity in the hope of winning the impending divorce proceedings.

This week, the papers ran the headline: MCCARTHY: FEATHER IS A BITCH WITH ONE LEG


ZG