Tom Cruds

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but science is totally right 100%
of the time, and this week it was announced that actor, scientist and
former Hollywood golden boy Tom Cruds is to be made the big cheese
down at United Artists. Cruds and his producing partner Paul Wagner
have been given free reign by studio bosses Sony to produce four
films a year, most of which will have Cruds in the lead role playing
short fictional characters that look like Cruds himself. This is
making Cruds totally zeitguyst again and for all the right reasons.

Now if you're sitting there in your Ikea Jules swivel chair going all
like "but Tom Cruds has always been zeitguyst, isn't he like drugs in
that respect," haul your stupid head (that's probably got hair in
curtains on top of it) out of your past it arse and tune into ZEIT FM
on DAB radio Tom Cruds totally stopped being zeitguyst in August when
he got dropped by his last studio for being a scientist.

Sounds unfair doesn't it? After all science has helped make great
things like iPods and Ferraris, and to stop all sorts of shit stuff
like The Black Death & famine. But in recent years people have become
wary of it because it still hasn't cured, AIDS, some cancers and
terror. Also, clearly stupid people like Keiths Richard and Pat
Doherty have 'defied' science by not dying from their drug trials.
But science is still pretty alright by people generally, it's just
Tom Cruds just started going on and on about it. Science this, and
science that. Then, he captured a girl called Katie from outside her
home and started doing scientific experiments on her. When he had
tried this before with girls called Nicole and Penelope people didn’t
mind so much because they were foreign, but now he was trying it with
an American it was not on. People were not impressed, they liked
Katie, a lot. They even gave her a man's nickname - Joey - to show
their affection.

After a while Katie started saying weird things like "Tom Cruds is an
amazing man." Now people had liked Tom Cruds because he was an
amazing actor (though he's never proved himself as a scientist yet)
but no one thought he was an amazing man, he was not like Jamie Foxx
or Warren Beatty in that respect, so people immediately knew
something was suspect. Everyone quickly realised that he had been
using his scientific voodoo on her. Then she got pregnant, and people
woke up to the fact that Tom Cruds was using Katie/Joey to breed a
new race of short, mutant scientist babies that would take over the
world. Cruds was dropped by his studio and people forgot all about him.

Until now. As the vanilla sky set last Wednesday Cruds issued a firm
statement “I’m back!” Cruds is on a mission to achieve the impossible
and make people like him again, but he’s not going to compromise, the
signal this week is that it’s either him, science and his breed of
mutant science babies or nothing. It was Cruds way or the highway.
What a maverick!