Debt

Hey Zeitfans I'm back. Blogging is totally zeitguyst again and I’ve got a back pocket full of zeit-dollars to lay on the counter of internet’s culture store.

I was tucking into my totally zeitguyst bowl of Kellogg's Kredit Krunch this morning when it struck me like zeit-train on a mission to Mars: debt is totally zeitguyst right now.

Huh? What? Come again? I know what you’re thinking, but hold up uno-seconda that zeit-fact needs a little fiscal fondling. You see, back in the olden days, a time us Zeit Masters like to call “The Early-Nineties”™ debt suddenly took off in a big way. For years we’d had the same Prime Minister - Mr T, who didn’t suffer fools but was shit at everything else. During Mr T’s reign of terror the rich got richer and the poor got poorer. Poor poor, it has horrid. But then, in 1990 Mr T introduced compulsory poll-dancing. This for the poor was a step too far. They revolted, which was revolting and eventually Mr T went mad and ran away.

The hint was on to find a new Prime Minister but everyone soon got tired of it and started listening to The Las. Just as Lee Majors reached the final chorus an all together different type of Major conducted a military co-op and took number 10 for his own. Major John (retired) a circus clown and cricket enthusiast took over running the country and no one noticed. Sadly Major John (retired) was shit at every thing. Very soon after taking the reigns at Number Ten he spent all the country’s money on a one day hip-hop festival called Black Monday. It was then that debt, for both poor and rich, became totally zeitguyst.

Everyone thought that in 1992 Major John (retired) would be voted out but an administerial error meant that only person that remembered to run against him was a ginger Welshman called Kneeling Kinnocks and Majors got in again.

But in 1997 a superhero called Tommy Blairs appeared bathed in the light of heaven and everyone felt so giddy at the sight of him they pretended to like D;Ream. Tommy Blairs was like a dream come true and dead spunky to boot. Since helping The Authority defeat Lucifer in the battle of Heaven, Blairs had been constantly working out and reading to make himself perfect enough to lead Britain to greatness.* He was disgusted with all the debt Major John (retired) had created and so fashioned out of haggis, The Communist Manifesto and his own rib a towering, ugly creature called Gord to get rid of it all.

Gord was immense, like Achilles but with a glass eye and no social skills. He crushed all debt and then started on The Carry On Films, declaring “The Age of Bum and Bust is over.”

Eventually, as even children in inner-city schools know, Tommy Blairs got a promotion and in 2007 started his new Job of leading the Children of Israel out of Egypt. He reluctantly left Gord in charge. I say reluctantly because Gord, don’t forget, wasn’t a real person, merely a mixture of sheep’s gut, outdated political idealism and Blairs’ own rib.

As soon as Gord took over strange things started happening all over the land. Promises were broken, the Police started rioting and Zimbabwe got invited to the Olympics. “This is shit!” everyone rightly said, “but at least there’s no more debt. We tolerate you Gord!” But then the worst thing ever happened. Debt came back and was all like “erm, sorry I was sitting here, fuck off.” The truth was out, Gord never got rid of debt at all, he just put it in a jar and said “Och, I hope no one finds out.”

The first thing to go wrong was at Tyneside Crack House Northern Rock. Debt broke in and shat on everything pink. Now it transpires that Debt has been in London this week eating people’s footsies. It could be your handies next!

So it looks like debt is here to stay for now, which makes it totally zeitguyst. If it continues much longer Britain will undoubtedly bring in a new Prime Minster called David Cameroon, who’s pretty zeitguyst on account of having a whole African nation named after him. Time, you crazy horde of salivating zeit-fans, will tell.

ZG

* war